HOUSE M.D. FIC: Bombed

[flywoman]

Title: Bombed
Fandom: House M.D.
Rating: PG
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship
Words: 393
Summary: Wilson doesn’t know what hit him. Ficlet written for the Sick!Wilson Prompt BINGO Challenge. Happy belated birthday!
Thanks: To jezziejay  for beta :)

 

When Wilson finally regained consciousness, he reached for the alarm clock and accidentally slapped House in the face. “Sorry,” he mumbled automatically before his befuddled brain caught up and asked him just what the hell House’s head was doing on the pillow next to his anyway. Wilson’s own head ached, and his stomach was roiling in protest. He was suddenly aware that his mouth tasted simultaneously sweet and rancid, as if a chocolate bunny had crawled in and died. He smacked his lips experimentally and then wished he hadn’t.

House was regarding him with a slightly guilty air. “Good morning, sunshine.”

For some reason Wilson was lying on his stomach. He started to push himself up and immediately regretted it. House put out a cautionary arm. “Don’t move too much. You’ve got an IV in.”

Wilson turned his head gingerly to the right and eyed the stand next to the bed, following the line from the drip chamber down to the cannula in his median cubital. “What the…”

“Saline,” House supplied. “Rehydration therapy.”

“What… happened to me last night?”

“You were the victim of my version of a giant Irish Car Bomb cupcake.” Seeing Wilson’s blank expression, he elaborated, “Several rounds each of whiskey, Bailey’s, and Guinness, and a double layer chocolate cake. With candles, of course.” Off Wilson’s look of disbelief, he added, “Don’t worry, I had the fire extinguisher ready.”

“Wow, House, that’s really…”

“Insensitive?” House suggested brightly.

“I was going to say ‘nauseating.’” Wilson closed his eyes. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

“You already have been. Repeatedly. It’s starting to get old.”

“God.” Wilson let his head sink back down onto the pillow and gulped unhappily against the threatening bile. “Why did you let me drink all that crap?”

“I couldn’t say no.” House gave him a pained look. “It was your birthday.”

“I don’t even remember eating cake.”

“After all that alcohol, I’d be surprised if you remembered having sex with the entire nursing staff. It’s okay, I made them all use protection. Jeffrey bitched a little, but-“

“House. Why are you still talking?”

“Well, look who’s Mr. Crankypants this morning.”

“Can’t you just leave me alone to die in peace?”

House pouted. “You’re no fun. We haven’t even gotten to the traditional birthday spanking.”

“Oh,” Wilson assured him, “we’re getting closer to it all the time.”

 

Author’s Note: If you’ve never had an Irish Car Bomb cupcake, check this out.

 

Comments

[writerdot.livejournal.com]

This made me giggle so hard.

I especially loved this:

“After all that alcohol, I’d be surprised if you remembered having sex with the entire nursing staff. It’s okay, I made them all use protection. Jeffrey bitched a little, but-“

It nearly had Diet Coke coming out of my nose. I really need to stop drinking that when I'm reading fics...

Great job!

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Hee! Very glad you enjoyed this, and thanks for commenting!

[cuddyclothes.livejournal.com]

He was suddenly aware that his mouth tasted simultaneously sweet and rancid, as if a chocolate bunny had crawled in and died.

I loved this, and suffice to say, I felt like barfing when I read the Irish Car Bomb cupcake recipe! Erk...

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

I've had the cupcakes, and they're actually quite tasty. House's version, however... eek!

Glad you liked this - thanks for commenting!

[all-things413.livejournal.com]

It's stuff like this that makes me glad I don't drink.

Good story. I bet getting drunk on cupcakes was an interesting experience despite my personal view on the consummation of alcohol. Wilson didn't seem to think that it was a good idea when he woke up.

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

LOL. I don't drink much either - I've never even had a hangover. But luckily(?) I've heard stories from my friends.

Thanks for commenting!

[jezziejay.livejournal.com]

Oh, poor Mr. Crankypants (Crankyslacks??), that House is a very, very bad influence on him! Long may it continue...
Great fun, really made me giggle :)

I've never even had a hangover. You haven't been out with me. Yet ;)

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

(Crankyslacks??)

Oh... you. ;)

You haven't been out with me. Yet ;)

Good point! Although please keep in mind that at the end of the evening, I will have to face my mother.

Thanks again for the beta and I'm glad you enjoyed this! :D

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is just perfect. House so would. All of it -- the booze, the cake, the jokes, the IV. All of it.

&hearts &hearts &hearts

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Hee, yes he would. So glad you enjoyed this, and thanks for commenting.

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Very happy to see that you recced this on HHOW, too :).

[rslhilson.livejournal.com]

LOL! This was really, really awesome. It doesn't get any better than the Nurse Jeffrey line...priceless :)

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Hee! So glad to hear you enjoyed this. I could totally picture House's face delivering that line...

[srsly-yes.livejournal.com]

You had me at, as if a chocolate bunny had crawled in and died. And bonus points for Nurse Jeffrey!

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Heh - what a terrible way to wake up :). Glad you enjoyed this and thanks so much for commenting!

[damigella-314.livejournal.com]

"He smacked his lips experimentally and then wished he hadn’t."
I've never had a hangover either but I know how an angry liver feels like.

And I think alcohol and chocolate go well together: as a child, my mother made tiramisu with crème cacao instead of coffee because she thought children shouldn't have coffee. But poor, poor Wilson... bet he's so looking forward to the traditional birthday spanking!

You're a genius!

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

bet he's so looking forward to the traditional birthday spanking!

Hee :). In their tradition, House is usually the one in need of the spanking on Wilson's birthday!

[damigella-314.livejournal.com]

I'm sure they both enjoy it thoroughly (whoever added spanking to the prompts has my eternal gratitude).

[yarroway.livejournal.com]

I started smiling at, '“Insensitive?” House suggested brightly,' and it just got better from there. I love the tone of this piece, you captured House perfectly, and that last line was just precisely right. *mems*

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Pieces like this are so much fun to write. Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed it :).

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Love the last line :) Very thoughtful of House to provide an IV after getting Wilson in this state :) Great fic!

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Ack, I thought that I had replied to this. Yes, House was very thoughtful to help Wilson recover after nearly killing him with kindness. Thanks very much for commenting!

[readingrat.livejournal.com]

menolly-au noted that obesity hasn't been done yet as a cause for sick!Wilson, but he's definitely heading that way - if his liver survives long enough. This is certainly a new definition of 'Bombed', much better than the explosive variety.

House's bedside manners lack that touch of caring and empathy that a sick person might desire. It's probably a good thing that in the show Wilson isn't sick much.

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

obesity hasn't been done yet as a cause for sick!Wilson, but he's definitely heading that way

Hee! Wilson's actually looking pretty good these days. I, on the other hand, only fit into one of my pairs of summer pants this morning :P.

This is certainly a new definition of 'Bombed', much better than the explosive variety.

You may already know this, but "bombed" is American slang for very drunk.

House's bedside manners lack that touch of caring and empathy that a sick person might desire.

LOL, that's quite the understatement. I find this kind of practical caring much more believable from him than the soothing-words-and-laving-of-fevered-brow variety.

[readingrat.livejournal.com]

You may already know this, but "bombed" is American slang for very drunk.

And once more I learn a new term for a state that I've never been in. Why are there so few slang expressions for 'sober'?

[hawaii5063.livejournal.com]

So much fun in such a tiny piece. Seems exactly like the kind of birthday party House would throw Wilson.

A few of my favorite lines:

“After all that alcohol, I’d be surprised if you remembered having sex with the entire nursing staff. It’s okay, I made them all use protection. Jeffrey bitched a little, but-“

and

House pouted. “You’re no fun. We haven’t even gotten to the traditional birthday spanking.”

“Oh,” Wilson assured him, “we’re getting closer to it all the time.”

Also, very funny working in that ridiculous overused-by-media-critics phrase 'Mr.Crankypants', and putting it onto Wilson!

[barefootpuddles.livejournal.com]

I should add that the above hawaii5063 comment is me. That's just my other account (I forgot to switch it when commenting)

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Seems exactly like the kind of birthday party House would throw Wilson.
I know, right? I wonder whether it was on one of those occasions that Wilson fell down the flight of stairs ("Frozen").

You quoted some of my favorite lines, too :). I'm very glad that you enjoyed this, and thanks so much for commenting!