HOUSE M.D. FIC: Prompt Treatment

[flywoman]

Title: Prompt Treatment
Fandom: House M.D.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A stitch in time saves nine. Inspired by bridals ’ recent challenge/contest on sick_wilson , but not an official entry for reasons that will shortly become obvious. Dialogue-only, House/Wilson slash.
Thanks: To my beta jezziejay . This is, like, the fluffiest cancer fic I can conceive of writing, and I’m certain it’s all her fault.

 

1. Peanut Butter

You’re home early! 

House…

Hmm?

Why do you taste like peanut butter?

Didn’t expect you back. And I’m too lazy to cook for one.

I wouldn’t have objected to leftovers, you know. Hold on… we’re out of bread.

Wait for it…

You ate it straight out of the jar with a spoon, didn’t you?

You got me. Except for the part about the spoon.

House…

Relax, Mr. Cranky-pants. I’ll order some takeout.

And we’re not watching “Jersey Shore” tonight.

No?

I’ve got a better idea.

 

2. Boxershorts [sic]

Come on, get your damned boxer shorts off. I’ve got my hands full over here.

Better?

I stand corrected. Pass me the- yeah.

Sssss… Oh yeah. (coughs)

Hang on.

God, don’t stop now, you’re killing me over here. House. House? Is something wrong?

Not sure. Turn your head and cough again.

What, we’re role-playing now? Seriously, you think this is funny?

Cough again.

(coughs) Well, what is it? Don’t tell me you felt something.

I think we should schedule some tests first thing in the morning.

 

3. Blood

House, why is Wilson having his blood drawn?

PSA test.

Seriously? But that isn’t standard practice. He has no family history of prostate cancer, and he’s not even forty-five yet.

You know Wilson, always trying to set a good example for his pedes patients.

Knock it off. House, tell me. Did you have a specific reason for recommending that he have the test done?

Don’t I always?

An anomaly was found during a routine digital exam?

Yeah… let’s go with that.

 

4. Donation

You came.

Had to keep an eye on things. Wouldn’t want any damage done to my favorite piece of real estate because one of those scalpel monkeys got careless.

…thanks.

In fact, I brought you something to wear as a reminder.

“Property of Gregory House M.D.”? I’m touched. Hey, where’s the other one?

It’s not for your foot.

Oh, come on!

What? It matches your eyes.

No it doesn’t.

True. More importantly, it matches my eyes.

Still not wearing it.

By the way, I was thinking… if you need a tissue donation afterwards, I know exactly who to call.

Wait a minute, are you…

He owes you one. No, two. And we already know he’s one of the biggest dicks on the Eastern Seaboard.

House, that’s not funny.

Oh come on, it’s a little bit funny… Jim.

 

5. Recovery

Brought you a little get-well-soon gift.

Um. Is that doll supposed to be…

Yes, you! With a bandage indicating the affected area. I had it custom made.

It… isn’t anatomically correct.

What, not to scale? I gave them the measurements myself.

No, I mean that’s not actually where the bandage… forget it.

Admit it, you think it’s hilarious. I saw that!

Ow. You do know where the expression “keeping me in stitches” comes from, don’t you?

Shouldn’t that be “keeping you out of stitches”?

Go away.

Fine. Call me if you need anything.

I wasn’t allowed to keep my cell phone.

Use this.

A dog whistle? But you won’t be able to hear it.

True, but Hector will.

Hector’s here?

Just a temporary loan. Why are you giving me that look?

House… if you need some company while I’m waiting to be discharged…

Don’t be ridiculous. I just borrowed him for his ears.

…right.

Go back to sleep, Wilson.

…yeah.